Many parents of autistic children have experienced heartbreaking moments when their child lashes out, avoids affection, or refuses to communicate. It’s easy to feel like, “My autistic son hates me,” especially when emotions run high and misunderstandings arise. The pain of feeling rejected by one’s own child is overwhelming, leading many parents to question their parenting skills or wonder what went wrong.
One mother described to us about how her once affectionate son gradually withdrew, refusing hugs and avoiding eye contact. She wondered if he had stopped loving her. A father shared how his son would scream whenever he entered the room, leaving him feeling helpless and unwanted. Another parent recounted how her son seemed to prefer his teachers and therapists over her, responding to them with excitement while remaining cold and distant at home.
However, these parents later discovered that what felt like rejection was actually their child struggling with communication, sensory sensitivities, and emotional regulation. Their children didn’t hate them—they simply had different ways of expressing love, processing stress, and navigating relationships.
Why Does It Feel Like My Autistic Son Hates Me?
Autistic Children Express Love Differently
Many parents associate love with affectionate gestures like hugs, kisses, and verbal "I love yous." However, autistic children may not express love in typical ways. Instead of direct affection, they might:
- Sit quietly near their parent, enjoying their presence without interaction.
- Share a special interest by talking about a favorite topic or showing a favorite toy.
- Engage in parallel play—playing alongside a parent rather than with them.
These small actions are often overlooked, but they can be an
autistic child’s way of showing love and connection.
Sensory Sensitivities Can Make Affection Overwhelming
Autistic children often have heightened sensory sensitivities, meaning:
- A hug might feel suffocating instead of comforting.
- Loud voices or sudden movements can cause distress.
- Eye contact may feel intense or exhausting.
When a child pulls away from a hug or covers their ears when a parent speaks, it’s not rejection—it’s a way of coping with sensory overload.
Emotional Regulation Can Be Difficult
Autistic children may struggle with identifying, processing, and expressing emotions. This can lead to behaviors that feel like rejection, such as:
- Avoiding conversations when overwhelmed.
- Expressing frustration through meltdowns or aggression.
- Struggling to verbally communicate love or appreciation.
It’s important to recognize that these behaviors are often signs of distress, not dislike.
Social Challenges Can Affect Connection
Understanding social cues and relationships can be difficult for autistic children. They might:
- Not naturally initiate conversations or interactions.
- Prefer solitude over social engagement, even with parents.
- Struggle to recognize when a parent is feeling sad or hurt.
This doesn’t mean they don’t care—it simply means they may need different ways to connect.
How to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Autistic Child
Respect Their Boundaries & Sensory Needs
Forcing hugs, eye contact, or social interactions can create stress and distance. Instead, parents can:
- Observe what their child enjoys—some prefer deep pressure over light touch, while others enjoy sitting close without physical contact.
- Create a sensory-friendly environment by reducing overwhelming stimuli.
- Let their child take the lead in interactions, building trust over time.
Learn & Use Their Communication Style
If verbal communication is difficult, parents can explore alternative ways to connect, such as:
- Using picture communication systems or assistive technology.
- Engaging in echolalia—some autistic children repeat phrases they hear as a form of connection.
- Recognizing nonverbal communication, like hand-flapping or pacing, as ways of expressing emotions.
By adapting to their child’s communication style, parents can build stronger, more meaningful interactions.
Create a Safe & Predictable Routine
Autistic children thrive in structured environments. Parents can foster connection by:
- Maintaining consistent daily routines.
- Giving advance notice before transitions or changes.
- Creating rituals, such as bedtime stories or favorite activities together.
Predictability helps reduce anxiety and allows children to feel secure with their parents.
Find Shared Activities That Foster Connection
Instead of focusing on traditional expressions of love, parents can bond with their child through activities they enjoy, such as:
- Playing a favorite video game together.
- Building with LEGO or engaging in other creative projects.
- Going on nature walks or exploring sensory-friendly environments.
Shared interests provide natural opportunities for connection without pressure.
Model & Teach Emotional Expression
Since autistic children may struggle with recognizing and expressing emotions, parents can help by:
- Narrating their own emotions in simple terms (“I’m feeling happy because we’re spending time together”).
- Using emotion charts or visual aids to help their child identify feelings.
- Encouraging expression in ways that feel natural, such as drawing or storytelling.
With time and support, many autistic children learn to express emotions in their own way.
Conclusion
Feeling like "my autistic son hates me" is a painful experience, but in most cases, it’s not true. Autistic children express love and connection in different ways, and what may seem like rejection is often a reflection of sensory sensitivities, emotional challenges, or communication differences. By learning to recognize and respect their child's unique needs, parents can create a trusting, loving relationship built on mutual understanding.
At Connect N Care ABA, we specialize in helping families navigate the challenges of autism and strengthen parent-child connections. Our compassionate, personalized ABA therapy programs are designed to support autistic children in developing communication, social, and emotional skills. If you're looking for guidance on improving your relationship with your child, reach out to us today—together, we can help your child thrive.
FAQs
Why does my autistic child seem to prefer others over me?
Autistic children may feel more comfortable with structured environments and clear expectations, which therapists and teachers often provide. At home, expectations can feel more fluid, leading to stress or confusion. This doesn’t mean they love others more—it simply means they may feel more regulated in certain settings.
Will my autistic child ever say ‘I love you’?
Every child is different. Some autistic children may eventually say "I love you," while others may express love in different ways, such as spending time near their parent or sharing interests. The key is recognizing and valuing their unique way of showing affection.
How can I help my child feel more connected to me?
Building connection takes time. Focus on:
- Respecting their boundaries.
- Engaging in their preferred activities.
- Learning their unique communication style.
Even small moments of connection can strengthen the bond between parent and child.
Sources:
- https://childmind.org/article/pathological-demand-avoidance-in-kids/
- https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/about-pda/what-is-demand-avoidance/
- https://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/five-tips-helped-improve-my-childs-behavior
- https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-son-biting-when-angry/
- https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content?contenttypeid=160&contentid=46
